Fall Back

home now again, i fall back into bed, into old habits, in love with glorified versions of the past. they curl and swirl (like smoke, like leaves) into silver traces of nostalgia.

sand corrodes skin. i am reminded of the beach and all its art, how salt flushes my cheeks red, my veins anew, my worries away with rips and tides, knots and ties (talk and lies) never fail to lead me back.

my heart sings here, but always out of tune, a jump between beats of song, cities and towns, train and platform. calmness is slippery and regrowth is slow. i fear (i always do) my life away from here but (equally) i fear (regretfully) chaining my wrists to the porch, to the words, to the loneliness, and the act of never leaving. the valley deepens, a great ravine. i take too long to choose a side to inch across, so i fall back. the bottom is dark, but it is certain.